Washington D.C. - As the 2008 Presidential Elections rapidly approach, the debate over the validity of a war in Iraq becomes more and more heated. Well, the term “debate” is an overstatement that might imply that there are two definite parties involved. In the case of the war in Iraq, it’s become George Bush vs everyone. In fact, the majority of the Democratic parties platform is simply being as “anti-Bush” as possible. With all of this pressure, it’s no wonder that George Bush finally cracked and gave in to what the general public has wanted all along: a complete and rapid withdrawal of all United States military forces in Iraq. So, what might cause this stubborn leader to change his mind so suddenly and conveniently? “I feel that the major objectives in Iraq have been finally accomplished, and that it is now time we bring our boys home,” said the President himself today during his daily press interview session. Apparently, “we have captured the rebel dictator, eliminated all major terror threats, took away the ‘weapons of mass destruction’, and setup a very ’stable’ democratic government". Though these goals are totally ridiculous, we’re just happy that the war is over. Maybe in this way Bush hopes to leave office with a semi-happy population.

Mesa, Arizona ? It?s a well known fact these days that Apple is a leading brand in the American consumer market. It seems that almost everyone from the high-class businessmen to the high school student has their own iPod, wants an iMac, talks about the iPhone, and wonders what to buy next on iTunes. This phenomenon is so large that Merriam Websters has coined a new word in honor of it: ?iPodiziation?. With such a large control of the American industry, it?s no surprise that the owner of Apple Corporation might be in an interesting position politically as well as economically. Up until now, everyone has assumed that the ?i? prefix of all Apple brands simply referred to the common first person pronoun. However, this explanation wasn?t good enough for the researchers at IcyBlack Research International, and sensing foul play, they investigated further. In a stunning public address, IcyBlack?s manager Gill Bates explained how the ?i? actually refers to a hidden camera found in all Apple products. Not only do these cameras have the ability to record real-time feeds of the owner?s activities while it has battery life, it also has a high frequency transmitter useful in sending the feed off for processing. The destination of the stream of data: China?s Military Intelligence. Steve Jobs was arrested on the spot, and as during his trial he willingly confessed to a conspiracy with China. He said that he and the Chinese Military had made an agreement in which Steve Jobs would provide the ability to track all of America?s youth in exchange for being allowed to monopolize the Chinese entertainment market. ?If I must say, it was pure genius of Steve, and to think that America took the bait so willingly is incredible,? said U.S. Chief Justice John Roberts after reading the official reports. Currently, the sentencing is scheduled for January 31, 2008, and for the time being, the National Security Agency is suggesting that everyone avoid using their iPods as much as possible.

North Pole, Arctic. - One of the few cultural similarities between nearly all the countries of the world is the love of gift giving. In America, we find every excuse to spoil our children, so it?s no surprise that our largest holiday of the year is Christmas. At the heart of this holiday is a man known as Santa Clause. His shop of elves, and his famous annual ride across the world for delivering presents have made him a legend. However, all good things come to an end, and this is apparently no exception. In his summer press release, Santa announced that he will not be continuing his philanthropic tradition due to legality issues. In his speech, he referenced Microsoft as the primary source of his decision, though he said it wasn?t the only reason. Apparently, Bill Gates is suing the North Pole Association for using Linux based operating systems on his child management mainframe. He claims that a no competition clause hidden within a contract he made with Santa Clause in the late 1980?s states clearly that Microsoft has the sole right to the choice of Operating System?s on Santa?s computers. The lawsuit is scheduled for hearing next month, and the expected fine is presently $10 billion. Santa wanted to make it known that Linux is the way of the future, and hinted that if he ever did return to his gift giving, Bill Gates would be getting a load of coal in his stocking.